I rarely run my long runs alone, and even more rare, I chose to run this morning instead of going to church... but this morning Caleb slept until 8 (which is a true rarity), and I felt it necessary to take advantage. :) So I mapped out a random run around Champlin, grabbed my iphone and running gear and head out this morning for a solo run, praying I'd make it the full distance on my own without getting bored, while Adam stayed back with Caleb.
I was about 6 miles in, tired, sore and complaining to myself when i came across this unexpected beautiful lake in the middle of a very autumn wooded area. Right as I neared this splendid scene, on came this song, Amazed, by Desperation Band. I stopped in my tracks and immediately knew God was trying to tell me something... so why not stop, listen, and take a much appreciated walking break to take it in?
I was instantly brought to tears, as i started reminiscing of my current life's circumstances. My dear sweet Caleb was born 9 months ago, 9 MONTHS AGO... and I can honestly say its been the toughest, most wearing 9 months of my entire life. Most parents can agree with this statement, but they would also say... "but its been the most rewarding" or "I wouldn't trade it in for the world"... and i thought to myself... how can i not say that? I have this perfect, beautiful little baby boy. How awful of a person can i really be when i'm stripped down to my core and I am overwhelmed with exhaustion, saddness and discouragement, rather than pure joy as i have begun this journey as a new mom.
Now the point of this post isnt supposed to be negative, I promise... as I was standing staring at the lake, these are the memories I have of the past 9 months and it broke me to tears. How are they all SO negative. I love my baby more than life itself. He is the cutest, sweetest, funniest little guy, and I wouldn't ever trade him back for life without him. It breaks my heart to have so many negative memories of his first months of life. and it makes it even worse to think of how I handled it so poorly... so selfishly. Yes i have an excuse, I was exhausted... I was, and often still am, averaging probably 3-5 hours of sleep a night. Some nights less, some nights more. for 9 months, that is NOT enough sleep. There were SO many times I'd complain to God... why? why did you give me a son who I can't even enjoy as an infant? but you know what... how awful am I to say this? Some families can't have babies, some families have babies who really are sick. WE are SO blessed. I was reminded today just how blessed I am. I HAVE a son, I HAVE Caleb who IS a healthy (ha!) baby boy, who I get to spend my days with, who i get to care for, nurture and love. And yes its been hard, but from the get go we knew we were going to have a baby boy who was different than the rest, and that's why we named him Caleb. He's a tough cookie, already been through a lot... he's a baby of a different spirit, with courage, strength, and will grow up in a family of faith.
As i listen to this song I think of the many nights I lay crying while bouncing Caleb to sleep, feeling abandoned by God, but all along... He was there. He was dancing around me, ALWAYS there, wrapping his arms around the both of us and trying to say... "I love you, it will be ok". You don't always know what God's plan is... but He will bring you through tough times to grow you as a person and this is one of those times for my family. I'm constantly and will always be AMAZED by His love for me. At my deepest hours, He is there... Now my job is to remember that, ask for forgiveness, move on and continue caring, loving and praying for my family that I am so truly AMAZED to have.