Sunday, September 23, 2012


       This song has been my all time favorite worship song for years, and was played in our wedding 3 years ago. I've always felt the most connected with God through music, and this song never fails to bring me back to where I need to be. On my 12 mile run this morning God brought me to a place of peace and serenity that I have not felt since Caleb was born 9 months ago... Let me share.
      I rarely run my long runs alone, and even more rare, I chose to run this morning instead of going to church... but this morning Caleb slept until 8 (which is a true rarity), and I felt it necessary to take advantage. :) So I mapped out a random run around Champlin, grabbed my iphone and running gear and head out this morning for a solo run, praying I'd make it the full distance on my own without getting bored, while Adam stayed back with Caleb.
       I was about 6 miles in, tired, sore and complaining to myself when i came across this unexpected beautiful lake in the middle of a very autumn wooded area. Right as I neared this splendid scene, on came this song, Amazed, by Desperation Band. I stopped in my tracks and immediately knew God was trying to tell me something... so why not stop, listen, and take a much appreciated walking break to take it in?
       I was instantly brought to tears, as i started reminiscing of my current life's circumstances.  My dear sweet Caleb was born 9 months ago, 9 MONTHS AGO... and I can honestly say its been the toughest, most wearing 9 months of my entire life. Most parents can agree with this statement, but they would also say... "but its been the most rewarding" or "I wouldn't trade it in for the world"... and i thought to myself... how can i not say that? I have this perfect, beautiful little baby boy. How awful of a person can i really be when i'm stripped down to my core and I am overwhelmed with exhaustion, saddness and discouragement, rather than pure joy as i have begun this journey as a new mom.
      For those of you who know Adam and I, know our life has been extremely difficult with our Caleb. In a nutshell, he is the epitome of a "colicky" baby.  The first 6 months of his life are literally a haze to this family... screaming, crying, a non-sleeping haze.  And yes, i know many of you will say... "oh yes, we had one of those...our baby just didn't sleep", but nobody, nobody knows the extent of just how unique our baby boy has been. The ONLY way to get him to sleep would be with hours, HOURS, of bouncing on an exercise ball. No rocking, bouncing, jumping, stair walking, car driving, swings, baby seats or shhhh'shing would do the trick. just the exercise ball.  but it was something, it was our savior for the first half of his life.  Then SLOWLY starting around 5-6 months, we would be able to set him down for short periods of time, play with him, smile with him and start to enjoy our little guy during the day... but nights... back to the same ole thing. Countless wake ups throughout the night, crying, screaming, arching in pain... but the doctors had no answers. Wasn't reflux, bowels tested out fine, wasn't what was in my breast milk as i changed my diet more times that i can count... he was just a "colicky baby". So we finally gave up trying to find the answer, and tried to enjoy the happy times we got. And yes, there were many many happy times... it was our sigh of relief during the day, because once it hit night fall we knew it was going to be rough. I began getting literally anxious as bedtime came because i knew how tired, sick and upset i'd feel at 12, 1, 130, 230, 3, 4, 415, 430, 5 and 6am. The countless times you'd bounce him and finally get him to sleep, only to lay him down and see him wiggle awake screaming right when you hit your pillow. It was getting so hard and resentment was building in our marriage.  We tried switching off nights so one of us could get a full night sleep, we tried taking late night/early morning shifts... you name it. But exhaustion hits you, and it turns you into somebody you don't even recognize. Adam and I became such bitter people, with only enough energy to be "pleasant" once we were out with family and friends, but at home... we were selfish, unloving, and were just getting by, while focusing on taking care of caleb, and caleb only. 
     Now the point of this post isnt supposed to be negative, I promise... as I was standing staring at the lake, these are the memories I have of the past 9 months and it broke me to tears.  How are they all SO negative. I love my baby more than life itself. He is the cutest, sweetest, funniest little guy, and I wouldn't ever trade him back for life without him. It breaks my heart to have so many negative memories of his first months of life. and it makes it even worse to think of how I handled it so poorly... so selfishly. Yes i have an excuse, I was exhausted... I was, and often still am, averaging probably 3-5 hours of sleep a night. Some nights less, some nights more. for 9 months, that is NOT enough sleep. There were SO many times I'd complain to God... why? why did you give me a son who I can't even enjoy as an infant? but you know what... how awful am I to say this? Some families can't have babies, some families have babies who really are sick. WE are SO blessed. I was reminded today just how blessed I am. I HAVE a son, I HAVE Caleb who IS a healthy (ha!) baby boy, who I get to spend my days with, who i get to care for, nurture and love. And yes its been hard, but from the get go we knew we were going to have a baby boy who was different than the rest, and that's why we named him Caleb. He's a tough cookie, already been through a lot... he's a baby of a different spirit, with courage, strength, and will grow up in a family of faith.
     I dont have the answers, I don't know why God has given Adam and I such "needy" pets and children... but you know what... i'm thankful.  I'm constantly AMAZED at how we've gotten to the point we are at now... and the growth we have ahead of us.  It's not easy, and Adam and I constantly struggle to get through it, but we do. And we have God to thank for that.
       As i listen to this song I think of the many nights I lay crying while bouncing Caleb to sleep, feeling abandoned by God, but all along... He was there. He was dancing around me, ALWAYS there, wrapping his arms around the both of us and trying to say... "I love you, it will be ok". You don't always know what God's plan is... but He will bring you through tough times to grow you as a person and this is one of those times for my family.  I'm constantly and will always be AMAZED by His love for me. At my deepest hours, He is there... Now my job is to remember that, ask for forgiveness, move on and continue caring, loving and praying for my family that I am so truly AMAZED to have.